Time for more doll wrecks!

I’m what you would call a doll aficionado. Or perhaps just a doll addict. I don’t seem to be able to resist buying them. I’ve got three doll cabinets that don’t begin to house my collection, so dolls sit perched around the house like wandering orphans looking for a permanent home.

Every once in awhile I go to eBay and look at the reborn dolls. Reborn dolls are made from molds that artists then paint and add hair to so that they look like real babies. Seriously, take a look at these examples. blog reborn good example

 

 

Isn’t this doll adorably life-like?

 

 

blog doll good example 2

This doll is so cute, if I could, I would do something embarrassing like blow raspberries on its little cheeks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And I still can’t believe this one isn’t a real kid. I mean, how utterly precious.blog doll good example racial

Unfortunately, not all doll artist have reached this artistic level. In spirit of the cake wrecks blog–offering constructive criticism with only the best intentions–I’d like to give aspiring doll makers a few tips

1) Get the color right. And by the way, red is not a normal human color unless you are an alien.

If your newborn looks like this next photo, you need to recheck that APGAR score.

if this is what your child looks like, check the apgar score again.

The next child looks like her parents went to the beach and forgot the sunscreen.

blog doll sunburn

Ouch. It hurts to look at her. And this next one: Ouch again. (Note to self: buy more sunscreen.)

blog doll color wrong

I’m all for a healthy tan, but um, maybe it’s not a good idea for your newborns. Just saying.blog, what happend here These kids were clearly left in a tanning bed for too long.

 

2) Should you want to sell your doll, it should not look like it is contemplating a life of violence and revenge.

blog doll very disapointed you're it's parentThe following doll looks like he’s not only planning your demise, he’s pretty certain he can accomplish it.

blog doll wants revenge. 2,500 I thought maybe the picture wasn’t the doll’s most flattering pose, so I looked at the other pictures too.

blog doll still wants revengeNope, the pose has nothing to do with it. The doll is  just waiting to grow up so it can kick your butt. His street name is probably Vinny the Destroyer.

3) Doll owners like to think of themselves as good parents, so the doll you’re trying to sell shouldn’t look as though it’s afraid of being hit. Like this one:

blog, this child thinks you're bad parents and may hit her

Or this:

blog, i don't know what happened to this child but whatever it was, it was a surprise

 

In the dolls’ defense, perhaps they’ve seen other doll listings pictures and think they have something to worry about.

doll hostage

I’m not sure whether this doll is being sold, or held hostage for ransom.

4) Speaking of doll emotions, your doll shouldn’t wear a look of disappointment–as though it was expecting better parents and found itself stuck with you instead. You think I’m joking, but you’d be surprised at the level of disappointment visible on various dolls. For example, here’s a doll exhibiting wistful displeasure:

blog doll this one is beautiful but seems slightly disappointed to find out you're her parentShe’s clearly thinking, “I’m much too good-looking for these parents.” She’s probably right.

If unchecked, wistful displeasure may lead to the haughty disillusionment exhibited in the next doll:

blog doll quite disappointed.

“What? You’re my parents? I demand a recount.”

Here’s a doll with pensive discontent:

.

“Drat. It will be years before I’m old enough to run away from home.”

And here’s a doll with flat out sullenness:

blog, she's as disappointed as you are that this didn't work out.

“If my parents forget the sunscreen one more time, I’ll call my friend, Vinny the Destroyer.”

This next doll seems to have moved beyond disappointment and has settled into despair:

blog doll wreck

“Dang it woman, get me a bottle and make it a double.”

One last reminder to doll artists. This is what an actual newborn looks like: (You knew I was going to sneak a picture of my granddaughter in here . . .)

1521452_10101254687483199_1265275871_n

 

If your newborn doll rendition looks like this:

blog reborn need intensive carepeople will want to send you money so you can put the doll in intensive care.

Again, just helpful little tips because I care.

For looks at past doll wrecks, check out these blogs:

Doll Wrecks

More Doll Wrecks

More doll wrecks

 

More Doll Wrecks

Since it’s Fathers Day, I could do something on power tools, but no, I’m going to do a blog on children (They make fathers, after all) well, more specifically fake children. Also known as dolls. Those of you who know me, know that I have a doll thing. I’m especially impressed–and horrified by reborn dolls. They’re supposed to look lifelike and at any given time there are hundreds on eBay going for hundreds of dollars. Here are some examples of some good ones so you know what they’re supposed to look like:


Amazing, huh? Beautiful, right?

I want to hug and coo over these dolls. So you can see why they can go for a lot of money on auction sites. That said, there are a lot of dolls on eBay that just don’t seem to capture what reborn dolls are supposed to be. In the constructive criticism of the Cake Wrecks blog, I want to offer a few words of advice to doll painters.

My words for this one are, “No. No. No.” What were we going for? Demon child perhaps? Gollum’s offspring?

Another word of advice: Blush is nice, but if you use too much of it, people will look at your doll and want to call child protective services.

Yeah, that would be too much of the red stuff.

There seems to be a new trend to have baby dolls open-mouthed and crying. This is another place where the words, “No. No. No.” come to mind.

Here’s another No:

And here’s the baby that ate Detroit:

And here’s one for every parent who wants their child to grow up to be a circus clown. Or an elf.

Oh, one last word of advice to doll makers: Lips are not optional. Your doll really should have them. I mean, blankets can only hide so much.

Well, I bet at this point you’re all thinking how beautiful your children are, because they look nothing like these last dolls. So true. Really, reborn dolls offer society a valuable service.

Doll Wrecks

Anyone who’s ever been to my house knows that I have a thing for dolls. Baby dolls, fashion dolls, American Girl Dolls. Truth be told, my daughter’s Magic Attic dolls have better wardrobes than I do—and more expensive ones too. But that’s a completely different subject.

The point is, I occasionally look at dolls on the Internet. You can find some dolls that are works of art on eBay, and they fetch artwork prices. For example, take a look at this one of kind “reborn” doll that is currently going for 820.00

Amazing right? Or how about this one?

I’m convinced some of the artists are just snapping pictures of their kids and posting them as dolls. But some of the one-of-a-kind dolls aren’t as charming as the first two I’ve shown you. In the constructive spirit of the Cake Wreck blog I’d like to offer some don’ts to the doll artists of the world.


Don’t make your baby doll look like it is posing for a mug shot. This doll brings to mind all of those pictures of celebrities who are being carted off to jail for drunken behaviour. Is that the role model we want for Junior? I think not.

Don’t make your dolls look like they are some sort of half-human half-alien cross breed. One can’t help but think that these dolls might come to life sometime during the night and zap you back to their mother ship.


Crying dolls can be cute, but there is a difference between a few pleasantly pouty tears and a face that is scrunched up like the doll is suffering from a ruptured spleen. Really, this is not a moment in childhood that I would want to capture and keep.

My cousin once told me that all babies looked cuter if they had hair. Sadly, this is not true with dolls. There are some things hair is not going to fix. Like this next one.

And sometimes hair can actually make a doll look worse. Take for example, this one:
Yeah, he sort of looks like the Little Dutch Boy who has been seeing far too much of Little Debbie, Betty Crocker, and Captain Crunch.

And for the next doll . . .

All I can say is, “What the heck?!!” What is this even supposed to be? An impressionistic version of a baby doll? A broken mold? A method to scare young women into not having children?

And speaking of those horrible nightmares you have when you’re pregnant where you dream you give birth to a goat, or kitten, or some other creature you weren’t supposed to have–we don’t need this sort of thing, doll artists, we really don’t, so stop with the reborn monkeys. They’re just creepy. That’s why the makers of the Wizard of Oz gave monkeys wings and used them to terrorize Dorothy and generations of young viewers.

Okay pregnant women, look away, breathe deeply and tell yourself that you will give birth to a beautiful baby, not a furry creature or a half-alien spawn. I promise you it won’t happen. And just so that you can get those images out of your mind, I’ll post a picture of my one-of-a-kind artist created doll. But sorry eBay shoppers. He’s not for sale.

Here’s a word of encouragement for anyone out there who is or wants to create reborn dolls: practice makes all of the difference. Look at the third doll on the blog. Now look at the artists latest doll. Amazing, right? You can see more of her work at: Adorable Bundles Nursery. adorable bundles nursery

More doll wrecks

And more doll wrecks