The annual bad Christmas gifts report

It’s that time of year when we buy gifts for friends, family, and our favorite authors. (Not that I’m asking or anything, but chocolate is the food of muses.) As I search for gift ideas of my own, I can’t help but come across some items that make me wonder, “Who in their right mind green-lighted this project?” Actually, I think that several times while flipping through Christmas catalogs.

So here is the list of things that will get you on the naughty list if you give them to your loved ones as gifts:

Animal butt magnets. I guess this is for all of those people who don’t already have enough butts in their lives. (Personally, my quota is filled.)

Here is a day-of-the-week clock for 39.95. Seriously. Instead of telling you the hour, it tells you what day it is. I have a piece of advice for you: if you need a clock to tell you the day, perhaps it’s time to stop drinking.

For a mere 19.95 you can have an acrylic, no-spill sippy wine glass. Again, if you need a sippy cup to keep your wine from spilling, it’s really time to stop drinking.

This might look like a bottle of wine, but it’s really a cleverly disguised umbrella. What a great gift. Who wouldn’t want to walk down the street clutching a wine bottle every time it looks like rain?

The advertisement for these next items proclaims: Never throw away a paper plate or cup again. These lightweight, unbreakable, ecofriendly, picnic pieces are completely reusable and dishwasher safe. (40.00 for the set)

Don’t we already have these? They’re called “real dishes”. Why would anyone buy fake paper plates, especially ones that look infested with ants? Although maybe someone on your Christmas list is trying to get themselves uninvited from future picnic get-togethers.

For a mere 59.95, you can buy this denim planter. Be the first one on your block to look like someone died and decomposed in your yard!

For those of you who can’t get enough Day-of-the-Dead decor, 24.95 will buy you this skull wall accent whose eyes light up whenever it senses motion. Gifts say something about the giver. This one says, “I’m possessed. And I hate you!”

Speaking of impressions you want to give your neighbors, here are some things you can buy if you want to convince your neighbors that you may in fact be either insane or dangerous or both.

Fake creepy stalker to attach to one of your trees.

Even worse fake creepy stalker to attach to one of your trees.

Zombie gnome. No more needs to be said.

This next item may be the creepiest gift of the season. The add states: Start a trend with this adorable crossbody bag. The 3-D lenticular eye winks at people as you pass them.

Okay, you will not start a trend with an eyeball crossbody bag. You may start a stampede away from  you, though. I think the memorable term in the add is “Body bag” as in: people will wonder what other body parts you are toting around.

I had to add this ornament that my husband got at an ornament exchange. It’s like a Minotaur that had plastic surgery. Who at the ornament company thought: Hey, I know what people will love–a unicorn in sparkly overall shorts and knee socks?

You know what would make a really great Christmas gift for someone you love? This book:Oh, yeah, and this book too. Echo in Time comes out Dec 23rd.

Well, from  me–and all the other dyslexics in the world, I hope you have a Merry Christmas!

(Hey, at least it didn’t say Satan . . .)

To see past year’s bad gifts,  you can check out these blogs

https://janetterallison.com/blog/creepy-christmas-gifts-the-annual-report/

http://janette-rallison.blogspot.com/2012/01/creepiest-kids-toys.html

http://janette-rallison.blogspot.com/2011/12/worst-christmas-gifts-you-can-give.html

http://janette-rallison.blogspot.com/2010/12/what-you-could-have-gotten-for.html