Time for more doll wrecks!

I’m what you would call a doll aficionado. Or perhaps just a doll addict. I don’t seem to be able to resist buying them. I’ve got three doll cabinets that don’t begin to house my collection, so dolls sit perched around the house like wandering orphans looking for a permanent home.

Every once in awhile I go to eBay and look at the reborn dolls. Reborn dolls are made from molds that artists then paint and add hair to so that they look like real babies. Seriously, take a look at these examples. blog reborn good example



Isn’t this doll adorably life-like?



blog doll good example 2

This doll is so cute, if I could, I would do something embarrassing like blow raspberries on its little cheeks.







And I still can’t believe this one isn’t a real kid. I mean, how utterly precious.blog doll good example racial

Unfortunately, not all doll artist have reached this artistic level. In spirit of the cake wrecks blog–offering constructive criticism with only the best intentions–I’d like to give aspiring doll makers a few tips

1) Get the color right. And by the way, red is not a normal human color unless you are an alien.

If your newborn looks like this next photo, you need to recheck that APGAR score.

if this is what your child looks like, check the apgar score again.

The next child looks like her parents went to the beach and forgot the sunscreen.

blog doll sunburn

Ouch. It hurts to look at her. And this next one: Ouch again. (Note to self: buy more sunscreen.)

blog doll color wrong

I’m all for a healthy tan, but um, maybe it’s not a good idea for your newborns. Just saying.blog, what happend here These kids were clearly left in a tanning bed for too long.


2) Should you want to sell your doll, it should not look like it is contemplating a life of violence and revenge.

blog doll very disapointed you're it's parentThe following doll looks like he’s not only planning your demise, he’s pretty certain he can accomplish it.

blog doll wants revenge. 2,500 I thought maybe the picture wasn’t the doll’s most flattering pose, so I looked at the other pictures too.

blog doll still wants revengeNope, the pose has nothing to do with it. The doll is  just waiting to grow up so it can kick your butt. His street name is probably Vinny the Destroyer.

3) Doll owners like to think of themselves as good parents, so the doll you’re trying to sell shouldn’t look as though it’s afraid of being hit. Like this one:

blog, this child thinks you're bad parents and may hit her

Or this:

blog, i don't know what happened to this child but whatever it was, it was a surprise


In the dolls’ defense, perhaps they’ve seen other doll listings pictures and think they have something to worry about.

doll hostage

I’m not sure whether this doll is being sold, or held hostage for ransom.

4) Speaking of doll emotions, your doll shouldn’t wear a look of disappointment–as though it was expecting better parents and found itself stuck with you instead. You think I’m joking, but you’d be surprised at the level of disappointment visible on various dolls. For example, here’s a doll exhibiting wistful displeasure:

blog doll this one is beautiful but seems slightly disappointed to find out you're her parentShe’s clearly thinking, “I’m much too good-looking for these parents.” She’s probably right.

If unchecked, wistful displeasure may lead to the haughty disillusionment exhibited in the next doll:

blog doll quite disappointed.

“What? You’re my parents? I demand a recount.”

Here’s a doll with pensive discontent:


“Drat. It will be years before I’m old enough to run away from home.”

And here’s a doll with flat out sullenness:

blog, she's as disappointed as you are that this didn't work out.

“If my parents forget the sunscreen one more time, I’ll call my friend, Vinny the Destroyer.”

This next doll seems to have moved beyond disappointment and has settled into despair:

blog doll wreck

“Dang it woman, get me a bottle and make it a double.”

One last reminder to doll artists. This is what an actual newborn looks like: (You knew I was going to sneak a picture of my granddaughter in here . . .)



If your newborn doll rendition looks like this:

blog reborn need intensive carepeople will want to send you money so you can put the doll in intensive care.

Again, just helpful little tips because I care.

For looks at past doll wrecks, check out these blogs:

Doll Wrecks

More Doll Wrecks

More doll wrecks



Time for more doll wrecks! — 26 Comments

  1. Yikes. Some of those are pretty scary. Though, I’m not sure I could even have the good ones – it’d be a little strange having something so realistic in my home. I’d probably feel like I had to get up at 2am to feed it…

      • Ooh, random side note. I just heard the song You Can Finally Meet My Mom by Train, and the next time you have one of your creepy song lyrics posts, that one needs to be on it! Either I really don’t get it, or it’s talking them all dying and hanging out in heaven? I dunno… Maybe I don’t get it… I hope that’s it.

        • Catchy tune. And what says, “love song” more than telling a girl what you’ll do with her when she’s dead? After the Goodbye song, I would be nervous if I was his girlfriend. He seems to have a preoccupation with her death.

  2. I heard about this German doll factory that got shut down during WWII. It reopened after but the dolls were never made to smile again. Maybe these doll creators are channeling their feelings about war and human tragedy too? Yes? No? They’re just ugly, you say? Okay.

    • You’re looking for symbolism and theme–which means you’re a natural English major! I think I’ve seen one of these dolls. Are they called Kaiser dolls? One nearly made it onto this blog. Maybe I’ll put it on a future doll wrecks blog.

  3. I’m really going to have to watch my back for Vinnie the Destroyer now! It’s downright frightening what an enraged baby can do!

  4. Pingback: Doll Wrecks | Janette Rallison & CJ Hill Books

  5. Pingback: Doll Wrecks, yes, more reborn dolls | Janette Rallison & CJ Hill Books

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